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Support Center
This is an extremely difficult time for you. You have suffered a tremendous loss,
and although it may seem like the pain will never go away, you will adjust to your loss after
you take the needed time to grieve (average intense grieving is 18-24 months). We go through many different
emotions during our grieving. You may get scared and uncomfortable with some of the feelings you are having.
If you are concerned with what/how you are feeling, please don't hesitate to seek help at any time from
a qualified professional, i.e., family doctor, therapist who specializes in child loss grief, clergy.
A support group can help as well. It's a place to go where we don't have to validate our feelings.
During our grief struggles, we may experience/have difficulties with some or all of the following:
- Emotionally unbalanced and a lack of energy. Unable to make simple decisions, like, what to eat for breakfast.
- Guilt, anger, jealously, frustration.
- Seeing pregnant women, babies/children.
- Adjusting to the regular routine of home/work life. Unable to accomplish ordinary activities.
- Tight throat, constant sighing, restlessness.
We can't rush our grief. I know you want the pain to stop, but you must give yourself time.
Please continue on reading this page for helpful advice for you, your family and friends.
What to do for yourself after your loss
- Maintain consistent rest patterns, and avoid increased work.
- Admit it when you feel lonely or are in pain.
- Allow yourself to ask for help, and accept help.
- Talk about your feelings and about the baby with your partner, family and friends.
- Reading can be a good source of comfort, understanding and education.
- Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings. Write letters to or about your baby.
- Take care of your physical body. Schedule an appointment with your primary care physician about four months after experiencing your loss.
- Exercise regularly. A walk around the block is useful.
- Eat a balanced diet, which includes milk, protein, vegetables, fruit and grains. Drink at least eight glasses of water each day. Avoid caffeine and alcohol.
- Wait at least one year before making any major decisions in your life. Don't let others make decisions for you.
- Renewing your relationship with your spiritual being may be comforting.
- If you haven't already done so, give your baby a name.
- Start a collection of Angel figurines (my Angel collection has brought me so much comfort), or do something else in memory of your Angel(s).
For family and Friends - how you can help
- Visit or call to say you care and want to help.
- Send a card, note, or other personal expression of sympathy.
- Treat the bereaved parents equally. Men need as much support as women.
- Be available to the parents. Offer prepared meals, errands, babysitting their other children.
- Allow the parents to talk about their child.
- Don't be afraid to bring up their child in conversation. Letting them know you remember is comforting.
What to say
- "I'm sorry."
- "I'm sad for your loss."
- "I know this must be terribly difficult for you."
- "How are you managing?"
- "What can I do for you?"
- "I'm here for you, and I want to listen."
- "Talk as long as you want."
What NOT to say
- "It all happened for the best."
- "You're young, you can have more children."
- "Now you have an angel in heaven."
- "You're better off having this happen now, before you knew the baby."
- "This was God's way of saying something was wrong."
- "You should feel lucky that you are alive."
- "Forget about it. Get on with your life."
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